Toasted pine nuts
I went three days without yelling at my family
On the fourth day, my back pain was bothering me
And I had a bad day at work
And my daughter wanted me to pay attention to her
I was toasting pine nuts in the cast iron
But she kept asking and asking
And her pregnant mom was ignoring her
Because she was filling out kindergarten enrollment forms
And I took a breath and tried to be good to my daughter
So I turned off the stove and followed her to the living room
But as I lay on the sofa and looked at her
I saw that she was dirty from pre-school
And I noticed all the stains on our couch that
I couldn’t clean because of my back pain
And I hated that it was linen and that we’d bought it
And my daughter kept making noise, playing
And I stewed and told myself don’t do it
But she was loud and jumped on the couch
I shouted that the game was over, and she’s dirty
And she got sad and went upstairs
My pregnant wife followed
I finished the pine nuts
Then I ate dinner by myself, frustrated by my weakness
And I almost bit the part of my bottom lip that I had
Bit the week before, which had only
Just shrunk to normal size
And that worried me
I didn’t want to bite my bottom lip again
Why do I keep biting my lip?
And then my daughter came downstairs
And my pregnant wife
And they asked why I hadn’t made them plates
And it reminded me that I was upset
And I told them to make their own plates
But I said it without yelling
And I ate and thought that I should watch the game
Because that would make me feel better
And be a good way to avoid my family
And then I bit my bottom lip and nearly screamed
I jerked out of my seat, hurried to the sink
And dumped my bowl in it
And ignored my family
And went upstairs
And thought of killing myself
And then, I thought of how I would do it
And then, I held my breath to see what it might feel like to be close to death
And then, I took a shower and calmed myself
And then, I did stretches and relaxed myself
And then, I wrote a poem to express myself
But before I finished, I heard my daughter yelling at her mother
Something about washing her hands
And they argued
And I felt my swelling bottom lip
And my back pain
And the dirty dishes
And the unfinished poem
And I thought of what’s to happen next